Because watching a movie is no fun unless you share your every thought with the internet.
The movie starts out so beautifully and then this happens. I cringe. All the time. Forever. Alan Menken phoned it in on this one. On a tin-cans-with-string phone.
So we’ve all seen the movie but let’s catch up: our heroine, Ariel, is a total flake and ditches this awful spectacle that was apparently something important. She gets in trouble because she went out of bounds and her dad is kind of a control freak. He yells at her and she has lots of feelings.
If you cry in a salt-water ocean do your tears really exist?
Dad decides he needs to lojack Ariel but since electricity doesn’t work underwater, he sends his BFF Sebastian to do it instead. Maybe he hopes that she’ll just think he’s a cute accessory that matches her hair.
He stalks her to an underwater cave of wonders. This is the one thing in the movie that isn’t a euphemysm, unless you think of it as her very ornate cave. Of wonders.
Cue random bout of singing. Probably awkward for everyone, though I guess at this point they’re used to it. It’s a good way to relieve the stress of an abusive father.
Leafing through pages underwater. I ask you.
A ship passes overhead and Ariel, being 16, jumps on the chance to rebel against her dad. A freak storm puts a damper on the party and most of the crew probably died but it’s cool because Ariel’s new crush is fine once she saves him and that’s what really counts.
Wet bangs but always such volume. I ASK YOU.
What are the odds these dudes survived a hurricane in a rowboat?
All is well post-storm and Ariel sings some more (though only knows one tune apparently). Her crab-cessory tries to convince her to stay underwater, also through song.
Singinʼ about fishes in bowls up on the land and how one day their owners will just eat them. Anyone ever eat their pet fish? No? Maybe itʼs just a merban myth.
Dad finds out Ariel has been hoarding things in her cave of wonders just as she gets a statue of her new obsession. It’s like 3-D facebook stalking! The technology of the future, I tell you. How Flounder hauled it in there, I have no idea.
Dumbledore is kind of an abusive fish king dad.
Best Hoarders ep ever
Everything goes boom. Ariel goes with some shady fish dudes to talk to the shady sea-witch and make some bad decisions, but who didn’t when they were 16?
“If I become human Iʼll never be with my father or sisters again”
“Thatʼs right. But youʼll have your man.”
Ursula is the opposite of Ariel in every way: dark colors, overweight, butch haircut, basically totally unfeminine. Not sure what Disney is trying to tell me about what defines evil, but I’m not very pleased.
I would be totes convinced to do this too after a song and dance about how “itʼs she who holds her tongue who gets the man.” You guys, no one will love me if I have a voice of my own. Disney is full of important lessons. I canʼt wait for my abusive marriage, itʼs going to be awesome.
Girl got legs so she’s heading upstairs to be people now.
Someone give this girl a sammich.
This is how I felt when I got my first iPod.
Like the good stalker she is, Ariel gets straight into her prince crush’s house with an open invitation. Girl is good. It’s been a while since someone sang so we head to the kitchen for Sebastian’s misadventures:
K first of all, “poisson” means fish and this dude is making crab, so I’m not sure how French he really is. Second, he clearly has anger issues. And whereʼs his kitchen staff? Is he the only chef? What kind of janky kingdom is Eric the prince of anyway? Speaking of which, his parents are nowhere to be found, so I donʼt get why heʼs a prince and not a king.
Meanwhile, back downstairs, no one can find Ariel and dad is worried.
Abusive Dumbledore has regrets.
Lesson is: don’t be an abusive father, especially when your kids don’t seem to have a mom. Though to be fair, the only mothers fairy tale heroines ever get to have are wicked stepmothers. How else would they develop intense male co-dependency and enough daddy issues to abandon home in pursuit of a man they don’t even know? Duh.
Ariel and Stalking Victim take a tour of his janky kingdom and really bond. It’s a special day for everyone.
Crazy eyes, you cannot drive my car. Beep beep, beep beep, no.
He tries to guess her name (because, you know, she can’t speak for herself anymore), and gets it right after only the eighteenth try with the help of Crabcessory. He probs also copied someone else’s SATs. Starting to understand why his kingdom is so janky.
A ginger named Ariel? Gefilte fish alert!
Everything is going really well, but the movie needs to fill out a few more minutes so conflict ensues. Ursula cheats, bla bla, Ariel swims to her and Stalking Victim’s wedding to try and fix things. Well, Flounder pulls her on a barrel, which should be a piece of cake after hauling that statue underwater. She gets there late, though. Sad story.
Commence dramatic underwater battle scene with big storms and lots of evil laughter.
All I see is a whole mess of PTSD therapy bills. Hope those crazy kids have insurance!
So in conclusion… girl abandons her family to stalk a man in the hopes of winning his heart, which she apparently only needs pretty eyes and hot legs for. In the end her dad lets her run off and marry this dude anyway even though sheʼs 16 and this isnʼt Alabama. I’m pretty sure Hans Christian Andersen would be less than pleased with how his story turned into not his story at all. Raise your hand if you find any of this unsettling.